You’re probably right, she’s not 100% convinced that she’s wrong but she’s trying to convince herself that she is. Because he keeps telling her she is. And it might be easier to deal with the situation if it is indeed her fault. Because how is she to deal with it if it isn’t? We can’t assume she understands abuse, or recognizes it as abuse. And if in fact she does accept it as abuse, she next has to recognize that the abuse is not her fault. And then she has to understand it’s not her responsibility to fix it. And that it’s actually not even possible for her to fix it. All of which is likely the opposite of what she has been taught all of her life about the role of a good wife. Now if by some chance she gets that all figured out, then she has to begin to see her options. Does she have a way to leave? Transportation? Money? A place to go? A way to feed and care for her children? And she has to figure all this out while still taking care of her husband, children, and home, while still dealing with the abuse and the cognitive dissonance that has her feeling crazy. Yes, she probably does feel completely powerless. But to blame her for not respecting herself enough to take a stand against the abuse ( which again I will point out she likely doesn’t even recognize it as abuse), is indeed victim blaming. I’m thankful you were able to get out, but you cannot compare her situation with yours, because you don’t know her childhood, her training, her church teaching, her personality…all things that can make a huge difference in how one responds to a similar situation. I was hoping someone else would speak up in her defense, but since no one has, I decided I must.

Thank you so much for sharing!

This series has broken my heart again and again, and I’ve never desired to hurt anyone.
I, like you, have considered my views as I have written these posts, and have made some course corrections as well.

Someone once told me that you should imagine all your issues and baggage as a swimming pool, and you have a thimble to empty it.
The kicker is that whatever water you don’t empty, your kids have to deal with. Good on you for working on your pool!

I truly hope that you and your family flourish.

I think you’re absolutely right. And it’s really hard to say, but at some point, you have to take responsibility for where you are.
Unfortunately, her choice has been to suck it up and convince herself that it’s all cool.

On some level, when I’m writing, I feel like I’m writing to her, and saying, “Do you hear yourself? This is NOT OK.”

Thanks for the insight here. I think you’re right on.

I hope this makes an iota of sense and would LOVE to hear what you’ve got to say on that.